A field guide to airports…PART THREE

6 12 2010

Now we reach my favourite group of airport inhabitants…


This particular subgroup of the airport inhabitants provide by far the most entertainment. The cast of the Jeremy Kyle* show are actually real, and they are travelling on “The Sun’s – Spain Fer £9.50” deal. Extremely easy to find, and located all over the airport.

Skin headed chaps, donning their favourite football/soccer teams colours. The alternative is to be wearing various incantations of the St George’s Cross. They are generally repleat with several tattoo’s of meaningless Chinese or Celtic characters decorating their arms.

The women will generally have the complexion of an Umpa Lumpa and be dressed in the finest Primani attire decked out with fake Ugg boots. As per the male contingent they will be donning a multitude of tattoo’s, and the contents of a H Samuel display.

Again akin to en episode of Jezza Kyle, these toothless simpletons will be fighting amongst themselves or anyone else who cares to join them.

Sometimes you will discover them outside the terminal building topping up on their nicotine tans before they are encased for the 2 hour flight to Benidorm. However the most likely habitat for these council estate dwellers is the bar. No matter what time of day or night, they will be charging their glasses with a wonderous concoction of lager and vodka/Red Bull. Whether it be 9am or 9pm, it’s always beer o’clock for the chav traveller !



Shaven head – imagine your thumb with eyes and a mouth !

Football/England T-Shirt

Gold necklace – worn on outside of T-Shirt

“Prison White” Trainers

Pint in hand

Roll up Fag glued to bottom lip


Copy of The Sun or The Star


Red dyed hair

Umpa Lumpa (IC5) Orange Complexion

Several pairs of gold earrings

F/Ugg Boots

Pint in one hand, ciggy in other



Missing teeth

Ticket to Benidorm/Magaluf

*For my American/European readers, Jeremy Kyle is a show designed by sado-masochist’s who enjoy watching the sub-human elements of British society squabble and fight over each other, much to the delight of the equally simple audience. The “MC” of this travesty is a bullish self-righteous aggressive little man who seeks to “help” them by breaking down whatever self-esteem they have left in front of an audience of millions. He is assisted by a bespectacled Psychiatrist called Graham, who’s bedside manner is as warming as a Nazi war criminal.

If you still don’t get it, think Jerry Springer with different accents.

Stay tuned for the final part of the field guide tomorrow !



One response

7 12 2010
Middle Man

You sound like a bloke after my own heart. You may also enjoy this:


Happy travels!

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